We all want marriage to be a “happy ever after” fairy tale. All the sweet moments are still feeling so real: the day that you fell in love, the night he proposed, the date you got married… Back to reality, we find ourselves trapped in non-stoppable fights with our spouse.So you might be wondering: Where is that most adorable person? Why isn’t he so caring and considerate as before? Why can’t we stop fighting with each other? It takes two to tangle. So as to fight. If you have trouble getting over fights or find you and your spouse fighting over the same things over and over again, you may need to do some “inner work”. Oftentimes, there are bigger problems lying under small fights. To end the fight once and for all, you have dig deep. Here are 5 not so obvious reasons why you and your partner can’t stop fighting each other:
5 Reasons why you are always fighting with your spouse
1. You have bigger issues to be solved
According to research, each couple fights 312 times on average in a year.
They fight over tiny things like not putting the towels back or not doing the dishes.
“These are all a tip of the iceberg”, according to psychologist Dr. Jennifer Hartstein in an interview with CBS.
“The fact is, there are bigger ticket items they are fighting about: money, sex, parenting, extended families…” she added.
If these little stuff snaps you or your partner from time to time, you will need to clarify the problem.
Try to identify what’s the critical issue that leads to all the unsatisfactory in the relationship. When the core problem is resolved, the details will not trigger a destructive fight.
2. You are controlled by fear
When we marry, we bring our fears into the relationship.
“The fear of being rejected, being controlled, being disconnected drive us to react,” founder of Marriage Today said in a speech.
“That fear has to be disarmed,” he emphasized, to save a marriage out of constant fighting and arguing.
When you spot that a certain kind of behaviors from your partner may trigger you, take a few seconds to ask yourself “why” before over-reacting.
It’s a mental exercise and you may not break the pattern on Day 1.
But with constant practice, you will not only see a significant reduction in fights, but you will also be able to know yourself better.
Self-awareness is one of the benefits of relationship fighting, as long as you keep your conscious mind rolling instead of letting fear and anger take control.
3. You are “globalizing” the issue
Sometimes when you are fighting about the tiny stuff, we expand the issue and worsen the situation.
If you or your spouse tend to say “you always do this..” or “you never change”, then your fighting style may be “globalized”, according to Vanessa Van Edwards, a relationship expert and author of the best-seller Captive.
To free you and your spouse from mindless fights, you will need to “localize” instead of “globalize”.
That means both of you should be monitoring a fight.
If one of you is getting off-topic or expanding the problem, the other should be able to step up and give a kind reminder.
4. You hate to lose
Nobody loves to lose. We always want to win and be the right one in an argument. Anything can initiate a fight, but the competitiveness and the desire to win is what turns a fight into a disaster.The key to settle constant fighting is simple, “you win by losing,” said Dr. Kurt Smith. When it comes to relationship issues, most of the time, there isn’t right or wrong.It’s a conflict between two different stands, and there’s only one way that you will only win without hurting our relationship.
“when you’re mature enough to choose the relationship over being right.“
He added in his marriage counseling post. So which one will you choose?
5. Your parents fight a lot
Research suggests that parents’ distress imprints on their children. Kids that experience parents’ fighting at an early age will tend to follow the same pattern when they get married.When your parents fought and left all the problems unsolved, it may made you think that fighting is a habit instead of a communication process. But the good news is if you learn to fight fair, you can break the pattern that your parents followed in their marriage.
How To Stop Fighting With Your Partner
Marriage and relationship expert Bruce Munik has introduced the concept of “Power Struggle” in his marriage saving program – Love at first fight.
Here’s what he suggests would help to turn a fight into effective communication:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xhiXfwhXCU
Check out his free course that helps couples to stop fighting, start connecting and solve the problems >>
If a fight (or a fierce argument)is inevitable, here are 10 tips that will help you to stay on topic and stop fighting about the same issue repeatedly:
10 Tips To Fight Fair With Your Spouse
- Let your spouse finish first and then start talking. Don’t interrupt and ask your partner to do so before the tension builds up.
- Stay on topic, don’t expand the problems. Avoid using terms like “always” or “never”.
- Don’t call names or verbally insult your partner in any way.
- Avoid involving the past mistakes or fights, focus on the present issue.
- Respond to your spouse’s claims or “accusation” in a calm tone, don’t try to hide from the critics because you can only solve problems when you face them .
- If your partner is getting off-topic, kindly remind him/her. If it doesn’t work, ask for a 5-minute timeout or grab some water for both of you.
- Pay full attention when your partner is talking. Avoid using your phone or answering calls at the very moment.
- Make compromises and acknowledge your mistakes whenever you feel like it’s the right thing to do.
- Open up to your partner. Don’t be afraid to put out your needs and show vulnerability.
- Don’t stay in a confronting position, try to ease the tension by sitting closer to your spouse. If possible, a hug will be the best signal to tell your partner that you care.